another season of awards ceremonies is upon us. i tend to not pay much mind to any of them with the exception of the golden globes and the academy awards. the others, hold no interest to me. even the globes and the oscars can rub on me, though. despite the past few years of hooey that hollywood has released and "recognized," this year's crop is pretty good. but, as always, i strive to make the world a better place, so i have compiled the elements that would go into the perfect movie to be shown over and over in cadeland. following is my pitch: (any writers or producers are welcome to this idea - make me proud)

-first off, the movie has to star john cusack. he's brilliant. period. the role doesn't matter, because he will make it perfect. if he's not avaiable, johnny depp would be just fine.

-second, the plot must somehow revolve around two escaped mental patients played by christopher walken and gary busey. i think that this would be the most frightening, hysterical and disturbing combination of characters possible. and i would love it.

-also, keanu reeves will make a cameo appearence. his character would be introduced and killed off within approximately 30 seconds of screen time. no cinematic explanation needed.

-the movie will star at least one (but as many as possble) of the following:
jennifer connelly
gwyneth paltrow
angelina jolie
naomi watts
or jennifer aniston

however, their role should have a limited romantic edge, given my lack of interest in or ability to write a romantic story. just a deep, highly independent character seeking meaning in life. possibly a friend of cusack or the daughter of walken or busey.

-there must be one scene in which joe pesci and bruno kirby argue at high volume over who's going to pay the bill in a diner. the argument is settled by a street-wise, disgruntled waitress played by none other than miss shannen doherty.

-the movie will be devoid of the following themes:
car chases/explosions
natural disasters
anthropomorphic/talking animals
and renee zelleweger

-if the coen brothers are available, they will direct, or produce and direct, or direct and produce. which ever of them does which, i don't know.

-the musical score of the film would be done by either thomas newman or danny elfman, depending on the total feel of the finished script. (ie. tense-drama vs wacky-surrealism.)

-there should be a ridiculous musical number of some sorts that has nothing to do with the story. i have to put an asterisk by this one, because it's already been done (see the end of "There's Something About Mary.")

-will ferrell will have a scene as an awful night club comedian bombing his way through a set, while, in the audience, ben stiller and vince vaughn hatch a scheme to rob a dry cleaner.

-basically any kind of obscure reference to eugene ionesco would be great.

-oh, and everything takes place between sunset and sunrise in one night.

these are just some of the guidelines. there are of course other things that should be included, but i'll leave something for the folks who do this for a living.