ASK CADE

HAPPILY OFFERING THE WORST ADVICE IMAGINABLE

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hey cade,

um, i found your website because i was searching for cade on google because my ex-bf's name is cade & i still love him soooo much & i cant get over him. (My friend Ande (girl (Ande=edna backwards) ) tells me i live in Cadeland because im so obsessed over him.:P )I know im pathetic. What is the best way to get over a guy who you are obsessed with? HELP! -- Patheticly obsessed with Cade Guthrie 05/23/05

dear obsessed-

yeah, we're tough to get over.

as for how to get over yours...i suggest you stick with it. there's nothing that convinces a guy that you are over him like over-bearing interest. eventually, once you force your way through all of the pain this will cause, the feelings will just go away. trust me.

if that doesn't work, try eating like a ton of ice cream, preferably in one sitting. then you won't care about anything other than getting that stuff out of your stomach. it's a good diversion technique.

best of luck,

-cade-

Each year I invest my heart in a College basketball team I think has a lot of potential. Terrific ability, terrific potential, I think you know the bit. Though each year when they square off in the NCAA Tourney, they always seem to fall short of winning the National Championship. This generally leaves me utterly depressed for days. Should I invest less of my heart, or do I just need therapy. -- depressed 03/19/05

dear depressed-

you should just shift your allegiance a little bit. root on a team like illinois or north carolina, because they are guaranteed to win every year. that way, you can be happy every year and not depressed.

-cade-

Is it ok to ignore most of your responsibilities for the first two days of the NCAA Tournament? Shouldn't there be a law requiring non-vital business to stop these two days? -- Chris P 03/18/05

dear chris-

yes. it is absolutely okay. why do you think there have been no columns the last several days?

as for the law? i don't do politics.

by the way, nice game against west virginia.

-cade-

How does an aunt tell her nephew that she is very proud of his accomplishments...and she loves him very much? -- J 03/09/05

dear j-

i think you just did.

but sending money can never hurt. just kidding.

-cade-

I know it's wrong to hate a particular person, but is it ok to hate an organization/entity? Al-Qaeda, NASA, NAMBLA, Kansas State University for example... -- Danny M. 03/02/05

danny-

of course it is. supeficial hatred toward other groups is what defined this great country. chalk it up there right along side the need for mass-wealth accumulation and over-eating. the american dream, man. love it or leave it.

-cade-

Is it worse to be in a Church musical (Hello Dolly) or a street gang (The Crips)?
-- Mr. Wannabe 02/28/05

mr. wannabe-

street gang.

there is no excuse for a church to put on a secular musical. leave that to the high schools. besides, in the long run, it is far easier to get over the life/death nightmares of street warfare than it is to escape the burning images of mrs. johnson, complete with oversized craft feathers in her hair, sludging her way through "before the parade passes by."

peace out

-cade-

Is it possible for a person to live a lie? How would said person truly know? How could anyone else know? How could said person live a truth? Perhaps it would be more appropriate to post separate questions. Sorry to have taken so much of your space... and time. I should have known better, I suppose.
-- passive-aggressive, maybe 02/25/05

dear p/a, m-

dude, you need to find a therapist. you're jacked up, man. jacked up.

-cade-

If given the opportunity, should I even consider moving to LA? -- Rod Tidwell 01/20/05

dear rod-

should i forsake all that i have done to this point in my life, fling myself into a shiny abyss where not even the strongest soul can survive, and be jaded by the promise of good weather and dreams fulfilled, where one can only ultimately fail at life despite every good intention and deed, to sample what it may be like to live a life that has been replace by status?

if you can answer 'yes' to this, then by all means move to l.a. if not, stay where you are. or move east.

-cade-

With all our 'modern' technology, why is it that the drill the dentist uses still has that high pitch squeal? Can't they make it quieter? I could deal with the pain if it weren't so piercing... -- Steven T. 01/12/05

dear stevent-

dude, i hope you're kidding. a dentist drill is a power tool. albeit, a very small one, but a power tool nonetheless. and power tools are supposed to make NOISE.

if you spent more time doing something manly like building a deck or ripping trees out of your neighbor's yard with these tools instead of going to the wussy dentist, mr. "i-can't-handle-cavities," you would appreciate the beauty of that squeal.

just ask to be knocked out next time and stop bothering everyone else.

your friend,

-cade-

Are you this guy?? -- Anon 01/11/05

dear anon-

i see you have found my evangelical little brother's column. we haven't spoken in a while, so thanks for pointing me to him.

shelly, if this is you, take his advice and play the organ. he knows what he's talking about.

-cade-

How gay is too gay? Not that I am gay. I am just asking for a friend. -- Gay Super Hero 01/05/05

dear g.s.h.-

that's easy. if your only outward expression of your personal life involves the routine wearing of "village people-type" costumes (especially of the leather or rawhide variety) out in public on a typical wednesday night, you're probably too gay. also this is too gay.

oh yeah, and feather boas. definitely too gay.

-cade-

I just bought a small electronic device at Best Buy. Is it worth my time and effort to send in the $20 mail-in rebate? -- Jim 12/30/04

dear jim-

is 37 cents worth taking a company like best buy for every penny you can get? you bet your caboose it is. rebate like the wind, my friend.

-cade-

What's the secret to keeping New Year's Resolutions? Is it ok to suggest a resolution for someone else? -- Audley 12/22/04

dear audley-

the secret is to shoot for something that is POSSIBLE. losing weight. quitting smoking. helping the homeless. all good things, but not gonna happen. i've been wildly successful with my resolutions over the past like: eating more cereal. or watching tv on monday nights. keep it simple.

as for suggesting them for others: bad idea. they will just resent your input. unless you can finagle them into a resolution that benefits you, like physical fitness AND philanthropy through doing chores at your house. you'll come up with something good, i trust you.

-cade-

So, it is just over a week till Christmas. Family, friends, football, and other commitments have made it so that the only possible day I can shop for my wife's present is Christmas Eve. I have two questions: 1) can I request an extention on Christmas from my wife? 2) If not, what should I get her? -- Marc 12/17/04

dear marc-

i see no problem with asking for an extension. in fact, stretching out christmas into 2 or 3 days is probably the best thing you can do. if you encounter any resistance, just remind your wife that according to sears, it's already more than 2 months long anyway, so what's another 2 days. this should buy you some precious time. as for the gift itself, how about, say...a target gift card. that should be easy to pick up and can be used a ton of ways.

-cade-

Is it wrong to blatantly lie to our children about the existence of Santa Claus merely to elicit some good behavior from them? If not, shouldn't we invent some other fictional all-knowing characters that reward the deserving and punish the naughty so that we can turn this into a year-round scam? -- anon 12/16/04

dear anonymous-

it is absolutely wrong. but, i think you've hit on a great idea. to me, it was always the existence of the "boogie man" in my closet that made me walk the straight and narrow. perhaps it is time to use this wonderful creation that already exists to your advantage. tell your children that if they behave and leave a penny in front of the closet door every night, the boogie man will stay away. then, once they spend, like, a dollar, you can buy them a pack of gum or a candy bar. think of it as a learning tool in the ways of financial planning, with all the fun of negative reinforcement thrown in for good measure.

-cade-

How do you handle close relatives who are involved with multi-level marketing companies? -- Rich DeVos 12/16/04

dear rich-

i give them $100 dollars to never talk to me again. that seems to work.

-cade-

Mr. Cade,

For those citizens over the age of 18, is Secret Santa appropriate for just girls, or is it ok for grown men to participate and feel ok about it? -- John Kreese 12/14/04

dear john-

participate? yes. feel good about it? absolutely not. the only way a grown man should do the "secret santa" thing is if he is given full permission to buy anything he wants. none of this "your person likes yankee candles" crap. if you are being forced to shop, do it right and shop somewhere fun. like best buy or one of those stores that sells funny hats. basically, if the person receiving the gift doesn't like it; maybe it will sway them from doing it again next year. and that is all the really matters.

-cade-

i was listening to a story on npr the other day about small chinese villages that were scammed out of their life savings by evil, ruthless, traveling salesmen selling them worthless crap. my question is this: how can i get my deserving share of these dumb chinese villagers' life savings? please be aware that a magical wooden chair that cures all disease has already been used. -- Mr. M. 12/13/04

dear mr. m.-

have you thought about using fear as a method? it is my understanding that many small chinese villages are terrified of things like dragons and cameras. i would sell "enchanted" rocks or sticks or something that would fend off evils like a dragon. you could then get a partner to dress up like a dragon, come into the village and then run away screaming when he/she sees the rock. it would be fail-safe.

if you need any help with a good dragon costume guy, let me know. best of luck.

-cade-

Recently a girl who likes me, played me the song "you're the inspiration" by peter cetera, in order to show me exactly how she feels about me. Should I go out with her? -- Peter Draggon 12/08/04

dear peter-

i would certainly be cautious. although it is obvious this girl cares for you a great deal, you must keep two things in mind:

1) is she hot?

2) if the answer is yes, then this one doesn't matter. just go for it.

just remember, "from tonight until the end of time" is a very long time.

-cade-

what is the meaning of life? -- gentry 12/08/04

dear gentry-

life is like a box of chocolates. except that the chocolates are more like annoying people and the box is more like a small room you can't get out of. so, basically life is what is happening while you're avoiding contact with other people...and um, chocolate. i guess that's all.

-cade-

Is masturbation wrong? -- J.M. Hoff 12/07/04

dear J.M.-

in a word, yes. know this: only dirty little boys with no self-respect do it. also, it makes your parents fight. and yes, they know what you're doing.

hope this helps.

-cade-

What should a new hubby get his wife for christmas? -- cbt 12/06/04

dear cbt-

i would first suggest that he remind the wife of the lovely rock on her left hand and it's inherent value. this is sure to overshadow any other need for a materialistic gift in this, the holiest of seasons. if that doesn't do the trick, i would then drive to the nearest home depot and purchase something practical. nothing says "i love you, but don't want the sentimentality or commercialization of christmas to be distracting" like a shiny new garden hose.

-cade-